"Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special"

someone special? eh wala nga as of the moment, hindi yan ang priority ko as of now pero syempre hindi mo pa din maalis na literally MALAMIG ANG PASKO ko this year. magiisang taon na pala pero parang kahapon lang ang lahat. shet. well thats life, aside sa pagiging malas sa lahat, and i mean MALAS SA LAHAT, i still didnt move a bit.

anyways, next week ako manonood ng new moon na magisa, which is back to normal mode for me. sinong gustong sumama? treat ko! hehe..

Today, I move on.

I already said it before, about two days ago, last November 19. My sis' sharing has shone me some light. Thank God for that. And now I'm just enlightened--on how to actually do so.

I have come to realize that it all starts with the decision to act on what you want. As I've told my friend, "I don't really need anyone or anything to take my mind off him. All I had to do to start getting my life back is to simply decide that I will move on." I definitely do not need or even want a rebound, and keeping me busy won't make me as much happy as well. I have to be happy... on my own.

Good thing my sis and I drank last Tuesday. We were throwing our stories with one another. She was so broken-hearted, not to mention it was her birthday then. Tsk. Stories of sadness, already answered questions that we keep asking, tears that won't stop flowing. And that one testimonial of another sis for this broken-hearted sis knocked some sense into me.

She was relenting her version of moving on. Yes, we noticed the sadness in her face, and the struggle she's been through. And now we look at her, we'd definitely agree that she has been better. She has succeeded. And she simply started with a decision--making a CHOICE. A difficult choice that takes pretty much a long process--and time and energy--but has a lasting, maturing consequence.

And eventually, I had to admit it. I couldn't move on. I wasn't moving on. All because I haven't really made the decision. I wanted to, but I have never really decided to.

All the while, I was stuck. Upon hearing the testimonial, I wanted to act, and decide already. But of course, I had to think, as always. I asked, "What kept me holding on, anyway?" And I've come to terms with the truth: I wanted to know what he had in mind. Before I really give up, I had to know if I'm wasting my chance or my assumptions have been right all along. I wanted to see if it was just me or it was really mutual. I wanted it to come from his own mouth, not from his actions. I wanted to hear it instead of conclude it.

Thinking about it made me back out a bit. Maybe I should wait and tell him first before I actually do it. Then again, that's only prolonging the agony. It would be really stupid of me to be stuck this long--and actually to choose being so. So I realized that I really do have to move on already. Life goes on and it stops for no one--not ever. I always knew I'll move on eventually, someday. Thus, I have decided that someday is NOW.

About two days ago, my sis and I went to Ministop on a very early morning. As we chatted, I've remembered my old happiness and happen to share that realization with her: that I have been happy before he came in to my life. I was so contented with my life already without him! When he came, he just made it happier for me. Now I realize, such 'disillusionment' does not always last, maybe not even in a good way. I figured that the trend was that happy, happier, then sad. Once you get 'happier,' you don't step down to being happy again; you sink down to sadness, or maybe even worse.

Still, the good news is that, happiness is still there--and it always will. You've been happy before, why not be so again? I think that's what 'disillusionment' does: making us happier, forgetting how to be happy on our own. It already happened--can't it happen again?

So right now, I'm in the process of regaining that happiness of mine. As I've said, I do not want love for now; HAPPINESS is what I wish for. The goal now is to be happy. Happier will come later.

Moving on. Step one. Decision. Choice. Check! Now I'm on step two: planning. What do I do now? I'm now reliving my good ol' hopes and aspirations. Here comes the new me.

Already, I'm beginning to be happy.

PS: I was supposed to post FOR THE LAST TIME the things I remember about him, what he has taught me. Then again, I think I have reminisced pretty much long enough. Time to get rid of his memoirs. It's me and GOD time again! I'm loving this.

A henna, that is.

Just got home from the block screening of New Moon. I brought my friend, my brother & my cousin with me. Fun!

So...the movie was so good! Can't help to scream & feel giddy the moment Jacob took his shirt off. Wow. Just wow. Geezus! I'm lusting over a 17 y/o kid! Sorry, I really can't help it :D And Edward? Well, he's as drooling as ever. However, New Moon is where Jacob evolved into some hot hunk shape-shifter so I think that's why Taylor is hotter than Rpattz now :D

I don't wanna write any spoilers about the movie or make a review about it (I suck at making reviews) like what I did last year with Twilight so the only thing that I can say to the stranger who's reading this one: GO SEE THE MOVIE NOW!

P.S.

The Felix-Edward fight was awesome! And Dakota..gawd, she's a stunner

P.P.S.

I will be watching it again with my IR Ladies later this afternoon. Haha!

To-Do:

Intro to Asian American Studies Midterm Paper

Email AsAm Discussion Questions

International Sociology Summary Paper

WATCH NEW MOON

The papers were absolutely KILLER. At the last minute, I realized I read a book I didn't have to read. Yeah. I spent 3+ hours skimming a 300-page book for quotes to use in my AsAm Studies midterm paper. I wanted to cryyy after I realized that.

Whatever. I finished eeeeverything and then Alex came down to Irvine and we went to see New Moon. OH. MYY.

It.was.so.good.

But now, it's 4:16 AM, my head aches, I NEED sleep, and I have to wake up in about 5 hours to get ready to go to class.

I cannot wait to catch up on sleep this weekend.

She sits down and offers me tea with a smile.

It's an old smile, one I used to know so well. A smile that shares an old joke between friends and welcomes me back after a long time apart.

Much has changed. I still see the vitality that I adored buried in her now careful movements. Her eyes are as mischievous and wise as ever.

We share a laugh, a good long laugh. And as always we lock on to each other's eyes, guffawing fully but loving the sight of the other in jovial throes.

Her laugh hasn't changed. I've missed her.

Life did not turn out how she planned it. Oh, her careful planning... I remember when those plans were peeled apart, layer by layer. She strove on, despite it all.

I see her scars. The one that won't let her look into my eyes for long. The ones that make her fidget as if wanting to burst to say something.

And one that I gave her, marring all that is between us.

She has done well. The struggles of the past years left their toll but she is with someone who makes her happy. Not the one she thought she would be with, but as she says, he makes her happy.

The tea is pleasant, and we talk about everything and nothing. Treading old jokes, old stories like runners on a worn path; knowing the inclines and the swerves and enjoying every rushed step of it.

I don't remember who started crying first.

But we're in each other's arms, tears flowing in between. What we were and what we weren't. What was and what could be. What is and what shouldn't.

I kissed her first. Awkwardly, on the forehead. Then again slowly. Then her temples. She smells the same, always surprisingly delightful, as I breathed her in.

I should have pulled away then, but instead I let her tears puddle on my shoulder, holding her as she wanted to be held.

As it was meant to be. Perhaps.

She kissed me as one who had made up her mind long ago. And I didn't stop her.

I did not come here for this. If it wasn't for a chance meeting at the station I wouldn't have even known she lived in this city, this country.

We were never... this.

And yet here we are, an hour afterwards, meshed as if the other was the source of life.

But the door rattles and joyful voices murmur just beyond, calling to her. Life is severed.

In a few moments I meet her husband and child and join them for dinner. Her eyes betray nothing throughout the meal. Her voice tells all, as it always did. He hasn't known her as long as I have.

She stops me before I leave. Another kiss. She would leave, right now, with me. She would stay and forget me. She wants to dance and weep.

She wants a choice after so many of them had been taken from her.

I kiss her goodbye. On the nose. I always wanted to do that.

to embark to my ultimate destination -- that is, to a family I can call my own...

A decision has been made, a decision that will change my life forever -- for the better, and even for the best. I know we both are entrusting our lives to each other's hand under the guidance of the Father. So this is what they call destiny. I remember writing a post about a love map (you may read about that here). Now I can say that I do have a lovemap! And that the once faceless man has been revealed to me.

I am ready.

Yes, I know I am. I am ready to put everything else aside just to make sure I don't lose my last chance to happiness. I just found what I have been looking for all my life and there's no way I'm gonna throw away the blessings that I received from Him. I will not let Him down too. As the playing song goes... I'll be true to the promise I have made... to my Mahal and to the One who gave him to me...

I love him so.

And I vow to show him everyday just how much I truly love him. Words will never be enough to express my overwhelming affection and passion for him. I may only have my love to give but I will make sure this love will go places, will solve mazes, never fazes...

We are ready.

Together, we will build our hopes and dreams and our foundation would be our love and trust so strong, under the guidance of our Creator. Together we'll be there for each other, for the family that we both long for, for the happy and contented life that we both deserve...

May God bless our love.

It's 5:20 AM.

I'm gonna go get some sleep before my 10:30 AM class.

-_-