NYC was great (though I would NEVER EVER WANT TO LIVE THERE).

I am usually an introvert who doesn't get attached too easily to new people but the Estioco Family left a mark in my heart even though I've been with them for 2 days.

I believe God had a reason for us to be there because it just felt right. At the right place and at the right time... AND also with the right people. And come to think about it, I am impressed and quite envious by the boys' relationships with each other at church. When there's problem, they call each other and they truly enjoy each other's company. Maybe most of the girls do that... but I guess I'm just like my mom. I don't have a best friend. LOL!

However, I'd still like to give a shoutout to the girls of my life: Hanie, Jen, Jeza, Jeline, Marielle, Ayon, Kim, and Hannah.

There was a reason why we were there. And I believe one of them is to renew our relationship together and restore the love and concern. I feel that it has.. I'm just a bit of a social retard about it. LOL

ROSI

Status: In good standing.

Pero... naiiyak pa rin ako. I thought it would be okay now.

P.S. ---

Whether God saves me or not, I still chose to praise Him.

God spoke through the devo last night. Whatever I'm going through right now, I'll face it with peace because whether this be a happy ending or not... it's all for God's glory.

So it's okay... Diane, it's okay. Maybe it's not in your lifetime.

"You're Back!"

I hear voices. ALL. THE. TIME. About leaving, even though I never left. Maybe Im too sensitive, but I do get offended when I hear it. I feel like explaining myself but I don't get a chance. And sometimes I don't even bother... but here it is. Maybe it will lessen the remarks.

One of the first ministries I got myself involved in was the Praise and Worship Team. And when I was in it I loved it because for the first time I was doing something that is contributing to the works of the church. I was about 14-15 maybe? When I started. When I was 18, people were telling to be a Praise and Worship leader. I have tried it in winter youth camps but it didn't seem like something I wanted to do. I felt that leading wasn't my gift. I felt that I was more a supporter, someone who will do her best as a back up singer to help out the leader. That was me!

And then I was officially asked to be a leader. I turned it down. It's not because I was shy or anything, it just wasn't my calling. And pretty much anyone who can sing at church is already a praise and worship leader. I didn't want to be a leader just because I can sing, if it really was in my heart to be one God would tell me. He placed it in other people's hearts. But He didn't on me. After I explained to the Director of the Music Ministry that my calling is somewhere else, he understood. But I noticed that they have been asking me lesser and lesser to be a back up. I didn't mind since maybe I wasn't needed, there's enough people doing back up. And there are a lot of other people at church who can do it much better than I can. I barely do it now.

There are occasions when I've been asked because they needed a back up, when asked I go. And when I do I hear "You're back!" Umm... dude, I never left. And then I hear people saying that they haven't seen up on the stage for a long time. It's not my choice. I can't force myself to go up, okay? That's a bit rude to the leaders.

Tell me if I'm wrong for being defensive. I'm sorry if I'm being too sensitive about it. Adults in my family have been commenting about my lack of ...I guess.. stage presence? Hearing things like "It's hard to sing when you're not close with God." Umm... yeah... okay. I sing to God whether I am on stage or not - whether I feel right with Him or not. Guys I still sing. Just not as what everyone thinks I should sing, but how God wants me to sing.

It's not a question mark. It's an exclamation point.

Awesome Medley

Pao is probably waiting for me to call him. BAHAHAHA! Sorry boyfriend, I'm feeling for a blog post. But rest assured that I love you like .. WOAH. lol!

I'm turning 22. Yup. TWENTY-TWO. Now I don't feel old yet, but that sounds pretty old. Maybe I don't feel it because I should be done my undergraduate school year, but it's not. I had plans for my life for this age and I feel so far from it. And you know what? I'm feeling a lot better about it. I realize that I really have no power over my life. I make decisions but if God decides to take Dee to a detour, DEE SHALL TAKE THE DETOUR. PERIOD. NO ERASE. PERMANENT. YEEE.

I admit though, I was pretty deperessed about it at the start. I mean, I did everything I could do. I did so well at school and my standing is GOOD! Then *poof* U of T shoots me down with an email saying I can't go back because of money. And I stood there STUCK like a bridge fell down and there's no way for me to move forward... it hurts. Felt that my future is done... and gone. So heart breaking. And I cry everytime I think about it. I still do. Like. Right. Now.

*Sings* I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough. ... (Yeah, emo)

First night... I was crying so hard to God. Asking Him "Why my school?" "What am I suppose to do now?" "Where do you want me to be?" Because it's confusing... I thought God would use me to start a campus church at UTM. I thought ... oh I don't know.

I guess God is in control so I don't have to worry about it. Maybe school isn't for me. God maybe saying, "Dee don't need to go to school. Dee good." (Yeah, God sometimes talks gangster in my head). Haha! I'm just saying that to make me feel better. I actually don't trust my skills yet, but I feel I can do much better. I know God can do something more with the passion He put in my heart to do this. I know it! But he's taking me somewhere unfamiliar to me. ..... but I will fear no evil because He is near, holding my hand.

22 is just a number to me now. I'm gonna take it slow. Actually... I'm not doing anything until something happens. 'Cause I don't know God's plan yet. I don't what what God will do to me. And as much as it hurts now... and this pain may stretch to longer months even years... but dude, God let Abraham and Sarah have kids at 100. I'm only 22. =)

ANYWAY I want this for my birthday http://spacing.ca/buttons.htm

(LOL)

So most of you guys might know already...

Dee is back to being a student! Yay!

I'm not entirely happy about it because that whole registration cancelation could have been avoided earlier... so now I'm not in the classes I planned to be in. I'm in 3 studio classes and hoping to have drawing in there.. Yeh, time to focus. I did it for spring. I can do it for fall/winter. I pray that I get into the classes I need to graduate ASAP. Then after that, I'm thinking of going back to school for a year in college for experience pursposes.

I now need a job so I can at least pay with the help of OSAP. OSAP is still being unresposive. Ugh, seriously.

Anyways, Hanie's Bday is coming up. Let's go? Ya!

It feels like my first day of Jr Kindergarten.

I want my mommy...

My child, pay attention to what I say.
Listen carefully to my words.
Don't lose sight of them.
Let them penetrate deep into your heart,
for they bring life to those who find them,
and healing to their whole body.
Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.
Avoid all perverse talk;
stay away from corrupt speech.
Look straight ahead,
and fix your eyes on what lies before you.
Mark out a straight path for your feet;
stay on the safe path.
Don't get sidetracked;
keep your feet from following evil.

My spiritual heart needs lots and lots of exercise.

Jeremiah 29:4-9

I grew up with a mind set that we're moving away from the Philippines. From Grade 1 until 5, I told my friends that I'm moving to Canada and every year they saw me back in school they wondered what I'm still doing there. At the age of 12, we finally moved to the city I now live in- Mississauga. I desired to be here because I was told that it's better here. Living here for 10 years now, I'm going to have to say Mississauga is now my home, I love it here!

But it wasn't the same in 1999. Back then, all I thought about was going back to the Philippines. I cried during lunch break in Grade 7 when it sunk in to me that I'm far away and this was a totally different culture. I guess this was what the Israelites felt when they had to flee from their country... wanting an escape to the familiar. But the prophet Jeremiah told them to stay and make the new land their home. "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease." (Jer29:5-6) And instead of hating the new city that they ended up in, they should love it and "seek the peace and prosperity of the city." (Jer29:7)

I grew to love Mississauga. This is where pretty much every memory that counts happened. This is my home.

Now, the Toronto church I attend is having a daughter church in Mississauga and I couldn't be any happier! This is part of embracing the city God placed me in. This is a part of sharing interest, struggles, hope, love, strength, and everything with the city of Mississauga. This is part of praying and caring for Mississauga's welfare. This is what God has planned for His people.

Mississauga! We're not here to conquer. We're here to live and love in the name of the most loving God! The one that loved us in all our imperfection and dirt. I do hope that His love shines through me as I serve the city.

Ah can't you tell I'm excited?!??! YAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!

Thank you Jesus. This is all about you.

You beautifully breathed into this vessel 22 years ago.

You called me your child.

And I revolve around You. ♥

For you, for you, for you... oh so in-love with You...

Tatay Carding passed away this week. It's sad, really. When we found out last night ... my heart sank. I wanted to cry... oh man. Just last Sunday he talked to Pastor if he could be excused from cleaning, I guess he knew. Oh man, I still cannot believe it. He's been such an inspiration to me, and I believe to many people at church. Even though he was quiet, his devotion to the Lord was LOUD in action. Such a devoted and dedicated man of God. Truly, we are sad because we will miss his presence but we know that he is free from all the pain and problems and is continuing his worship with the Father in heaven.

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Thanks to everyone who remembered me on my birthday! My birthday week isn't done, still going to celebrate it with 2 of my best friends this coming Saturday. Will sure be taking lots of pictures! Art Gallery + Best Pizza in Toronto + best friends = Best Birthday Gift Ever! I still have to figure out what I'll be wearing. =) Urban Chic? Haha.

My Cousin Jeza (WHO IS LIKE THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD) is buying me Chris Tomlin tickets for Oct 3rd. Don't I have the best family EVAR?! Haha. Its also the night of Nuit Blanche so after the concert (time and energy willing) we'll walk around the streets of Toronto to look at street art. I shall sleep over for church service the next day. I love birthdays!

Honestly, I'm a bit embarassed by saying my age not because I feel old, but because I've really not accomplished much... but I should just let go of my what I've done because HONESTLY it isn't much. I am who I am not really because of my accomplishments but because I am a child of God. I still don't know where God is taking me... but Noah waited hundereds of years before God used him in such a big way. And before that, all Noah did was walk with God. So Dee as 22 will continue walking with God even if the first big thing that will change the world that happens through me happens after my lifetime. =)

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I am now the Director of Children's Ministry for Mississauga. Um, HUGE! Now I'm gonna need LOADS of prayers. Ate Sheelz congratulated me... I kinda smiled in fear. LOL! And then one of the titas came up to me and said, "Wow, you're like a deacon!" Then fear gained double experience... But I shall say "Yes Lord!" for He will be my help. He can beat fear in a flick of a finger.

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School is... okay, Sorry Lord for complaining about it. LOL! OKAY OKAY... I'm just bothered by the system. The school has the worst customer service ever. Ask them a question and they answer us students back like we're so stupid how can we not know how things work. Well, I'm sorry Ms. Office-of-Registrar Lady... NO ONE gave us information about these things. Students helping other students is the best. They should fire the rest of the people in that office. They don't do much anyways.

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I have a class in UofT (St. George Campus) next sem. I haven't attended a class and I'm already feeling overwhelmed. Oh well, it's a first year class for a science credit. I will graduate at my own pace.

"Love feels so good
Better than I thought it would
Such a foreign feeling but you know
I can get used to this
I can get used to this
I can get used to this now
Comfortable and feels so real
I can get used to this
Stuck in this happiness
I Can Get Used to This now"

- David Choi

<3 Oh Lord, my Lord.

I didn't get to blog about this earlier due to busyness, but I'm going to squeeze in sometime to give thanks and reminisce on such a wonderful birthday celebration I had last Saturday.

September 26, 2009. I will not forget you.

Pao picked me up from my house at noon. My parents forgot that I had a (chaperoned) date and planned that the family should go out for dinner at Red Lobster. Sorry 'Pa and 'Ma! We'll go out some other time. Anyways, we traveled to Kipling Station to pick up Ate Sheelz. We waited for a while because her bus was late. But we had fun playing hide-n-seek at the subway station. HAHAHA! Too funny... Anyways, when Ate Sheelz's bus finally arrived we welcomed her with a paparazzi shot then we got on the train to Spadina. She brought me a present! She got me a Paul Frank Shirt, loves it! We meet a french family. The twin girls were so cute. They had beautiful eyes and the mom is so beautiful. When we got off at Spadina, Ate Sheelz was hungry so she bought us buns from a Chinese bakery. I got ham and cheese, Pao got bbq, and Ate Sheelz got hotdog. It was a good snack walking to the museum.

When we arrived at the museum, we lined up for coat-thingy... what's that thing called again? When you don't feel like carrying your coat/stuff around the museum, so they have a huge closet to keep your stuff in? WELL THAT.. we had to do that for the umbrellas because we might swing it around and destroy the arts. They wouldn't let us go in with them. Then we lined up for the tickets, but before we could actually buy them, a couple came up to us and handed us 2 free tickets. They were in a hurry and they were generous enough to hand us their tickets. So we got 2 free tickets for Pao and Ate Sheelz. Pao bought me a ticket since I was the full-time student with the valid ID. (Meaning the admission ticket for me is $10 instead of $18... STUDENT DISCOUNT FTW!) We saved 36 bucks! YE!

AGO's reno was amazing. I can't really compare because I didn't see the pre-reno look. But Ate Sheelz said it was much smaller. I loved the contemporary stuff. The building itself is an artwork. Loved the views and the stairs... and the infamous AGO hallway on the 2nd floor was breathtaking. 

Ate Sheelz: Wow... it's so big. It's like the Noah's Ark!
Pao: Is this it?!
Ate Sheelz: Yeah, of course. They finally found it and put it here. (sarcasm)

HAHAHA! Best people. I love them.

We didn't get to see King Tut however, actually we didn't get to see a lot of things because there were so many things to see! I could stay in there forever. What sucked was that we weren't allowed to take pictures of the art works. We spent a lot of time staring at the 110 Million Painting. It was a huge painting of a Massacre of the Innocent. It was kinda hypnotizing. The fact that Toronto won the painting in an auction against New York makes me feel proud of Toronto. Woohoo, I'm glad to know that in Toronto, Art Matters. =)

Jen and Hanie met up with us after the gallery tour. It was raining then. We traveled all the way to Pizzaria Liberetto in Ossington and Dundas. We were disappointed that it would take 3 hours wait to sit 13 people. We didn't want to wait so I decided we should just eat somewhere else. We subwayed it back to Queen St for another Italian Restarant: Terroni. It was an hour wait for a big group like us, but it was just sufficient time since it took a while for the rest of the people to arrive.

Terroni's got one of the best service in Toronto. They were so accommodating and polite. Since it was everybody's first time, we asked our server about the best in the menu and she actually gave us a REAL answer. And none of the "I haven't really tried them." These people do their best. So impressive. The food was amazing. The pasta was too heavy for me but the boyfriend loved it. I liked the pizza more. It was soooo good... LOVE LOVE LOVE authentic Southern Italian Pizza. It must be heaven food... Then of course, I got my gelati: bacio and pistachio. Delicious Dinner. 

We walked back to Jeza's apartment in the rain which was kinda fun. Especially when Pao and Jun were being silly with Tagalog words. I was sharing an umbrella with Pao holding a bouquet of flowers. =) Sounds cheesy, but it felt so wonderful.

TO: Jeza, Kuya Terenz, Rome, Ate Jeline, Hannah, Jun, Kuya Carlo, and Tito Benny. Thank you for coming even though it was last minute. I had a wonderful time and I'm glad I got to spend a special moment with you guys! You were so much fun!

TO: Ate Sheelz. Thank you for coming! Haha... we love having you with us on our date. Pao and I love you so much and of course, there will be more days like that. We will come pick you up again. Haha

TO: Hanie and Jen. I love you both!!! GRABE LANG! LOL! I'm glad I got you.

TO: Pao. You are the BEST. Every year, my birthday feels grander and grander. You put so much importance in things that I take for granted~ even when it's not for you. Oh love... you make me excited to get older because I know it's with you. I love you! Thanks for the day... for the WEEK! Everyday you'd greet me Happy Birthday, lol. I know the effort, the thought, and the plan you put in this and I'm letting you know I appreciate it!

TO: Family and Friends. There's too many so I won't name one by one. Thanks for all who greeted me. ESP Tatay Parma who called from Thailand and left a message. (Sorry for not being home. lol) To everyone who came at Prayer and Praise Night (whether you were able to eat meatballs or not *ehem*) to come celebrate with me. I thank God that I was put in this world surrounded by such loving people.

TO: God. YOU ARE LIKE.... AWESOME! Thanks for another year, dad. You did great things for me even when I didn't deserve it. And I'm going to do my best to use them for your glory. I know that's what you want me to do with them. I can't even keep track, you are way too good to me. I love you... so so so so much.